It rains pretty much every day, it’s colder…. but I’m getting used to being home again. So last week I met a friend who I haven’t seen since I finished university, and it was nice to meet up and catch up on old times. I have been home a few times but I didn’t meet up with her. I don’t know if this is weird, but I just always felt like ‘well I’ve been away for such a long time, nobody will really want to meet up with me again. They have moved on with their lives and I was in China for such a long time, that surely I don’t matter anymore, they won’t want to meet me.’ Honestly that is what I thought. I still kind of do in a way. Why would they want to meet me again, I haven’t been here, I haven’t been part of their lives in years…. I’m just the girl that they used to hang around with. I don’t matter to people now.
So when I met her It was just like old times; talking about the course we studied, the people who were in it, plans for the future. It was nice. Because I haven’t seen her since I left China, it was like going back in time again. And I suppose it made me realise that I do still matter to some people. It did make me feel good about myself.
We are going to meet up again soon so she can meet my husband. I haven’t met up with any other old friends yet because I still have that ‘I don’t matter to people’ feeling. In China I’ve had friends, but they come and go so quick and easily that it was extremely hard to continue having a friendship with them, especially if they move to a new country. It’s hard to keep in contact, so eventually you lose a lot of friends.
If I’m going to stay in Ireland a little while longer, I have to make the effort to meet up with them, I just need to get this idea that I don’t matter to people out of my head.