Worrying

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So with my latest posts, I was talking about how I enrolled in a Spanish course in a university here. My second time going was a bad experience, you can read about it here: No, It Didn’t Go Well

We decided to go and meet the teacher and explain to her that the level is too high. So, it turns out that the other two students that were in the class have been studying a year at the university, so they use Spanish every day because their course is in Spanish. So that is why their level is so good! I’m guessing on their free mornings they come to have class just to strengthen their Spanish. So I was worrying and wondering how I was stuck in with them when they were supposed to be ‘basic’ like me. Unfortunately the teacher never told me this, so I couldn’t understand why they were in my class. Apparently theres only two levels available to take, so they just came to the lower class. Maybe they have class before or after so 10am was the only time to go.

The teacher said that I can continue going and just observe the class, so I can improve my listening at least.

So the day after I had class and I just couldn’t go in. I just sort of had an anxiety panic attack. I just didn’t want to go in and have to sit there while the the others are blabbering away and me not being able to understand anything. I just hate that feeling.

On Wednesday I arrived to class and chat chat chat was all I heard. Again I couldn’t understand much. She asked me some questions and I ‘tried’ to answer, but when the others are talking I just can’t understand. Yesterday I went in again and there were 4 male students, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t understand about 80% of the class. Honestly. It was very difficult for me. They were laughing and joking about something and I just sat at the side just doing nothing. I couldn’t participate or anything.

So I came out of class a little down again, thinking ‘Is this what I have to deal with 5 days a week? I have to worry every morning about going in to class which I shouldn’t have to worry about. Every class I’m anxious that she’ll ask me something and I don’t understand. Maybe they’ll be chatting about a topic and the teacher will ask me “So Aisling, what do you think about climate change? and I’ll be sitting there like an eejit because I didn’t have a clue what they were talking about, never mind giving my opinion on something more advanced than talking about myself’.

These are the things I think about. And I know it’s stupid. I know I should just go in there and try. But I can’t try because I can’t participate. I don’t understand anything they say, so I can’t even try to say something.

So for this week I went in 2 days, today (Friday) I woke up and just said to myself “Nope….not going in today”. And I didn’t. And do you know what? I feel absolutely great today! I’m not worried or anxious about the class. I’m not annoyed at what I didn’t understand. I’m not sad after it and thinking “Oh I said that wrong, I should have said this…” I feel wonderful today.

Anyway, that’s my dilema! Either go to class and struggle, but know that I’m getting something out of it (god knows what because at the moment I feel like the only thing I’m getting out of it is stress). Or I could just not go and be happier, but then feel annoyed that I’m not going and at least trying. It’s a tricky one!

I don’t want to feel like I’m giving up. I really don’t. But the class is just so difficult for me. If it was the level that I’m at and I just didn’t go, then yeah I would be giving up. But this situation is different, so it’s harder.

I’ve also started seeing a therapist for my anxiety. I’ve wanted to go while in China but it was expensive. So I talked about how the class went to him and why I worry a lot. So we’ll see how that goes!

But anyway, today I feel happy and worry-free. So that’s good.

Aisling

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No, It Didn’t Go Well

My last blog explained how I started learning Spanish in a university for 5 days a week. Today was the second time I went and let’s just say it didn’t go very well.

Yesterday it was only me and this only guy, and it went ok. The teacher went over some simple stuff and I thought it went fine. The guys Spanish was much better than mine but sure I’m in the basics class, he can’t be that good.

So I arrive to class again and theres another student there. And blabber blabber blabber was all I heard…in fast spanish that I didn’t understand at all!

The class went like this: the teacher asked a question to the other two students. They talked fluently and fast. Then it got to me and I didn’t understand what she was asking. She repeated again and, yet again I didn’t understand.  Aw it was so frustrating.

So while the two other students were chatting away, I just did nothing and stared into space because I just couldn’t understand anything they were saying.

Also the attitude of the teacher annoyed me aswell. She didn’t try and use her body to help me understand. She just repeated the question again, maybe swapping one word out for another.

One question she asked me was “Give me a suggestion on how to put on weight”.

The word I didn’t know was ‘to put on’, so of course I didn’t understand the question. Then asked me “Give me a suggestion on how to lose weight”. Again I didn’t know what the word for ‘to lose weight’ was. Again there was silence.

I feel like I just annoyed the teacher because I couldn’t understand her. So for the rest of the class she just sort of chatted with the other two students about god knows what. I just felt useless.

Now I’m not annoyed at myself. (Usually this is the case), I’m just annoyed that she told me that this was a basics class. I’m basic…. the other student’s are definitely not! They seem to be intermediate.

The book she uses is basic, and it suits me fine, but todays class was more like a discussion on this and that, and I just don’t have the Spanish for that. I admit it, I need to learn basic beginner Spanish.

So I left the class upset and just feeling down about the whole thing. I don’t want to have to worry every day about going to class. I really don’t. My aim is to be happy in life, and I know this will just worry me and put me down. Thankfully we don’t have class tomorrow, but I’m already worrying about Mondays class.

I’m seriously considering not going, because I don’t want to worry myself. I want to be able to go without worry and knowing that I’m in the same level as everyone else. I want to enjoy the class, and today I certainly didn’t.

I don’t even feel like the teacher likes me that much. It might just be me but I just felt like today I was annoying her because I couldn’t understand and I was slowing the class down. She should have known that the class was too advanced for me, she did an interview with me to assess my Spanish!!

So I’ll see what happens. But at least I’m not annoyed at myself. My spanish is just lower than theirs at the moment.

Aisling